The Misadventures of Midna and Link!
by Gentle Reaper
Summary: Join Midna and Link as they travel and attempt to save all Hyrule. Keyword being 'attempt.'
1. The Problem with Busty, Naked Chicks

Quickly raising his left arm before him, the swordsman heard metallic ring as the tip of the flaming arrowhead collided with the blue steel of the Hylian shield. Narrowing blue eyes at his assailant, the Ordonian thrust his shield out, knocking his green-skinned foe off balance and promptly seized upon the advantage; chorded muscles flexed as the silver blade of his sword cleaved a deep gash across the bulbin.

As the last foe collapsed before his feet and the earth was stained crimson, Link surveyed the battleground of the circular chamber he had dropped into, identical to the eight before it: a single lizalfos laid dead along with several other bulbin archers, their arrows spilt from the quivers on their back, as well as the split shafts of the arrows that had been let fly, tips aflame, only to ultimately come short of their intended target.

The attention of the green-clad swordsman was drawn away from the carnage that lay before him and to the stone door at the northern end of the chamber, as it raised itself upon the defeat of the last guardian placed in the chamber (though how it knew when all those who had originally been in the room were slain, Link had not quite figured out, despite several other similar occurrences of the phenomenon in his quest.) Reaching over his shoulder, Link returned the Blade of Evil's Bane to the scabbard hung upon his back and replaced his shield onto its harness.

Walking forth, he prepared himself for another battle in the vein of the nine he had already endured, only to stop upon reaching the edge of the cliff that dropped down into the next chamber.

Midna, too, gazed into the room, having manifested herself to the incorporeal shade form that she preferred when he was in his human form. "There's nothing waiting with intent to kill or otherwise maim you?" the imp questioned, tilting her head slightly as she surveyed the situation with her single visible eye.

Link blinked in bewilderment but nonetheless nodded his head. "Seems to be that way," he confirmed. "Honestly, I'm a little surprised, too; all there seems to be is a shallow pool of water," he observed, glancing to the side at his own shadow-turned-shade before shrugging his shoulders in dismissal and hopping off the cliff, landing in a crouch below.

Approaching cautiously, Midna hovering lazily over his shoulder, Link reached behind and wrapped his grip securely around the handle of the Master Sword—no matter how harmless it looked, he would not allow himself to be caught off guard in the case of an attack… only have his mouth drop open in shock.

Link had been prepared for any number of foes to leap from the seemingly shallow depths of the spring and assault him in a lust for his blood—the one thing that he had not expected to be confronted with, however, was a tall, slender, and half-naked individual of the female gender.

Staring, Link felt his jaw open in shock, and he quickly blinked his eyes repeatedly to no avail: the scantily clad woman was still standing before him. The hero, for the first time since he had first been taken by surprise and forced into his lupine state in the Twilight bastardization of Hyrule, was at a lost. He had been confronted with numerous and varied types of opposition in his quest: bulbins charging forth at him astride rampaging bulbos, magically animated statues wielding giant hammers, bandage-swathed ghouls dragging swords as large as his own body… but never had Link been confronted a green-haired woman—no, a fairy he realized upon seeing the gossamer wings fanning out from her back—clad in little more than her aforementioned hair and a loincloth (and truthfully, he sincerely and fervently hoped that this fairy wasn't hostile, for he wasn't quite sure how to go about handling this particular type of foe.)

Link was torn from his contemplations as he heard a snide voice hiss into his ear, "I do believe that her face is a little higher up, wolf-boy." His brow furrowing in confusion, Link turned to see Midna's silhouette floating eye level with him at his shoulder, her arms crossed, and that her single eye was slit into a crimson glare.

Opening his mouth to reply, the hero turned back to the fairy and noted that she seemed to have started speaking to him at some point, and stared at her, wondering what he could have done wrong to invoke the ire of his Twilight companion. Blue eyes than widened in realization as he became aware of the specific part of the fairy's anatomy his gaze had been directed to whilst he was lost in his contemplations of how to best fend off an assault by a partially-nude member of the opposite sex.

His face flushing slightly in embarrassment, he turned to his perpetual companion and opened his mouth to explain and defend his actions—only to find his jaw open but with no words coming forth. "M-Midna, wait!" he finally found his ability to speak, as stuttered out a response when her glare intensified upon him even more. "It's n-not what you think! I mean, I wasn't…" he trailed off as he saw her lips curl back in a snarl, and he found himself swallowing nervously as tried to remember whether he had still had that spare fairy he had trapped in a bottle or not: it seemed ever increasingly likely by the second that he would have dire need of it soon.

"Pig!" she snapped at him before promptly returning his shadow to its proper place as she went back into hiding.

"Midna, please don't do this!" he pleaded to his feet, staring at his own shadow, but it was too no avail. Link let out a disgruntled sigh and hid his face in his hands, his cap coming forward to hang over his face.

Somehow, he doubted that the heroes of ages past had had to deal with this sort of situation. Lifting his face from its cradle, he noticed that the green-haired fairy, the source of his newfound strife, was and had been silently staring at him with a perplexed expression on her face. No doubt, she was wondering who this insane adventurer that had stumbled upon her spring was, and why exactly he was pleading with his feet. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Link looked towards the woman (being especially careful to not let his gaze slide anywhere below her face).

"I don't suppose that you could transport me out of her, could you?" he asked the fairy. "I don't quite think I'm prepared for the trials that lie ahead just yet."

The queen of fairies—though Link was unaware of this fact, having been lost in contemplation of strategies to defeat her should she attack he, while she had been introducing herself—tilted her head at the peculiar mortal before her. "If that is so your wish, brave adventurer," she said, raising a hand and promptly snapping her fingers, sending him to the threshold of the cave, above.

She continued to stare at the spot for a moment after his departure; what an odd little man, she thought.

Link appeared, in a flash of light, on the sandy crest of the mesa that he had previously been inside. Lifting his cap from his head, he scratched idly at his straw-colored hair as he surveyed the horizon, noting that the sun was currently setting, bathing the land in golden glow of twilight—the natural one, that is to say.

"Midna?" Link asked hopefully, not truly expecting his black and white companion to answer him, and was met only with silence from his shadow. Before our hero could ponder further on the issue of his companion's estrangement, his long ears twitched as he heard the sound of a rattle come from directly behind him. Closing his eyes in frustration, Link was fervently praying to all three goddesses that he was only hearing things as an effect from the heat of the dessert.

This hope, however, was viciously killed seconds later at the manic giggle that he knew well. "Why have you forsaken me, goddesses?" he asked to himself as he slowly turned and was met with the sight of a lantern bobbing about mere inches from his face.

Link stared at the floating light source for a second more, and then promptly summed and vocalized his thoughts on the situation: "aw crap." After uttering his two-word thought process, the lantern sharply lashed out and collided with the side of his ribs, knocking him from his feet. Lifting his head from the ground, sputtering sand, and glared at phantom foe that he knew to be carrying the lantern; he quickly, then, rolled to his side quickly and a cloud of sand was kicked up and a deep gash was drawn into the sand where his head had been not even seconds before.

"Listen, I know that you're not to happy with me right now, Midna," Link said, removing his shield from his back, but keeping the Master Sword securely housed in its scabbard, as, with even as holy a blade as it was, not even it could slay the poe before him, "but I really, really would appreciate it if you could transform me into my wolf form—" he rolled to the side and raised his shield to block the latern—"so that I could kill this thing…" he pleaded in a tense voice as his eyes tracked the swaying path of the ghost. Letting out a frustrated sigh upon receiving no response, Link scanned the area for the only option left open to him in the current situation: retreat; but upon finding no other way, he steeled his nerves, replaced his shield to its harness, and leapt from the top of the mesa, landing in a roll to absorb some of the impact of the fall.

He lay upon the now-cooling sand of the desert for a few seconds, waiting for the throb in his back to alleviate some before he climbed to his feet. Wincing slightly and placing a hand to his back—no doubt, it would be sore for some while unless he took a red potion or chu jelly—Link scanned around the desert, taking in the sight of the dessert horizon and dunes of sand that stretched for miles beyond.

In his mind, Link was currently cursing the three goddesses, and any other deities that he knew of, for the situation he was now in—and while he wasn't sure if Midna was privy to his thoughts when she was in his shadow, if she was, he had a feeling that she was currently laughing insanely at his mental tirade. As far as he was aware, there was no way back to the mainland—at least, none that he was aware of; he had always had Midna warp him to one of the Twilight portals that they had secured.

So, to put his current predicament into perspective, he was now stuck in a vast desert, with the night temperature dropping, with no food, water, or any clue on where he was or how to exit said desert. And as an added bonus to his plight, he was currently being denied the access of his beast form as well all his equipment, save for his shield and sword that he kept on him at all times as a human, because it was all stored in the Twilight pocket where Midna had put it all.

"Of all the areas on her body, I had to be facing her breasts when I got lost in thought, didn't I?" he asked himself in frustration. Then, with no other options open to him, Link turned and started towards the towering structure of the abandoned prison on the horizon. With any luck, the sages would be able to provide him with a means back to Hyrule proper, and if not, he would at least have shelter from the elements.


	2. When Pigs Fly?

The hiss of the sliding sand was the only thing that filled the air, and Link was becoming fairly irked at the sound by now. He was currently sitting cross-legged in the vestibule of the once-prison, the entrance to the Arbiter's Grounds a foot behind him as he stared into the darkness of the sandpit before him.

It had taken him the better part of two hours to travel the distance from the mesa to the place where the sages resided. And as an added bonus, he had run into yet _another_ poe in the stable where he had battled that large bulbin with horns. Digressing a moment in his contemplations, Link still could not figure out how that beast had survived being knocked off a bridge not once, but twice—granted, the Great Bridge of Hyrule was directly above Lake Hylia, so it was entirely feasible that he had fallen into the lake, much as he had when the Lanayru providence was still under the shroud of Twilight; but the Bridge of Eldin was overlooking a gorge, with no such body of water to break ones fall: the horned monster shouldn't have even been able to survive the fall into the gorge, let alone manage to scale its height!

And such, Link, after having traversed the enemy encampment directly outside the prison—for which he was insanely thankful that he had taken the extra time to eliminate all the sentries on his last visit, when he still had access to his bow that had been gifted to him by the gorons—and came to his current predicament.

He had been sitting here for the better part of the last hour, occasionally staring at the rusted grating that he had used his clawshot to latch onto during his first visit after attempting to wade the sands fast enough and merely climb onto the block—that was a _very_ bad idea, he had discovered, much to the amusement of Midna.

_Okay, let's review what hasn't worked so far,_ Link thought to himself. _Groveling and apologizing to your shadow to appease your pissed off companion has had _no _success. Calling out to the sages for help, on the slim chance that they might get their masked asses from the Mirror Chamber did not work—the lazy old bastards,_ Link thought bitterly to himself with a scowl. _Cursing at the top of your voice, while a great method to vent anger, didn't help._ The hero lifted his hand to the bridge of his nose and pinched it to nurse the growing migraine that had developed. _And even when I do find a way to get the door across the way, I'll still need the spinner to ascend the spiral mechanism leading to the room where Zant confronted us. _

_I wonder if the heroes of the past had to deal with shit like this?_ Link thought idly, but then again, he was fairly certain that he could bet safely that he was the first so far to enrage their companion by staring at the chest of a taller-than-them fairy. _Even when she does forgive me for that,_ Link thought, knowing that such a thing would not be for a very long while, knowing the slightly sadistic nature of the female imp, _she'll never let me live it down_.

Just then, his stomach gave a growl, causing the Hylian to glance down at it. "That's right…" he said to himself, "I haven't eaten for a while now have I?" Sighing aloud, he got up from his spot and turned about to exit the room; he was certain he could convince the bulbin to "share" some of the bulbos they had roasting on a spit—after all, he was could be very persuasive, he had found, when possessing the right leverage (usually in the form of a few feet of gleaming Master Blade).

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Link tore off a strip of meat with his teeth, not at all minding the slain marauder right next to him, which was staring up at him with vacant eyes and a bloodstained rictus grin. The meat, if the truth be told, he thought was not bad at all: slightly tough and salty in texture and taste, though it was a bit overdone in terms of roasting.

Swallowing, he reached over and cut another strip from the flank of the boar, setting down the unsullied blade of one of those he had slain. He was staring at the upside-down animal whilst he chewed the meat in his mouth, when suddenly he stopped as an idea came to his mind.

_No_, he thought, shaking his head. _That is totally and completely insane_, but nonetheless, he continued to stare at the slaughtered animal that had served as the catalyst to his current brainstorm. Slowly, he swallowed the masticated meat in his mouth and continued to stare thoughtfully at the source of his dinner. _But there'd have to be one of them still alive for it to even work…._

Getting up, Link shook his head in self-disgust. "I cannot believe that I'm actually going to do this," he muttered to himself. Then, glaring down at his shadow, he uttered, "Look at what you've forced me to do: engage in a suicidal, half-baked scheme," and then wandered back into the stables, the first light of dusk beginning to crest the horizon.

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"This-wasn't-smart-this-wasn't-smart-this-wasn't-smart:" that was the mantra that the hero clad in green continually uttered under his breath as the bulbos charged up the steps leading to the entrance of the Arbiter Grounds, which he had propped open using a tall piece of rubble. Link was fervently praying to the goddesses as the pig he rode upon charged through the portal, and continued on—only to find that it had nothing more to continue its charge upon, as the ground had suddenly vanished upon it running off the edge.

Link quickly threw himself off of the bulbos and to the left, pushing off its flank as a counterforce, and closed his eyes as he awaited his impending doom; and he idly wondered if he would die from being suffocated by the sands first or by the mounting pressure of the sand around him once he sunk. Several seconds passed, a frantic keen filling the air, and Link slowly opened blue eyes and dared look upon realizing that he was, in fact, not sinking.

"I cannot believe that actually worked…" he muttered to himself in shock, seeing that he had indeed landed on the stone isle that he had been aiming for; the squeals of bulbos were finally silenced as it sank beneath the ravishing sands of the room. Taking a moment to steel his nerves—and making a silent promise to donate half the rupees he had to the church upon his return to Castle Town—he easily hopped across the more easily accessible platforms among the sand, briefly pausing upon seeing the brazier of lantern oil for a moment before he remembered that he hadn't access to his lantern.

Walking with a purposeful stride, he passed through the large atrium of the prison, the four blue-flamed torches flanking him on either side as he ascend the central stairs, and into the chamber with the spinner mechanism and the gaping pit of sand beyond. Stopping at the edge, he raised his head and stared towards the top of the spiraling stone that he knew housed the spinner-track used to reach the top. Luckily for he, Link had thought of a way to circumvent the necessity of the apparatus of ancient technology—albeit, it would be a very slow and dangerous one.

Resigning himself to his course of action, knowing that there was no other way, he backed up to the doorway of the room, readying himself, and then sprinting towards the sand and leaping at the lip. Descending from his leap of faith, Link's fingers scrambled at the stone spinner track, managing to find purchase, and then he very slowly pulled himself from the sand he had begun to sink into, and straddled the track. Leaning forward, he wrapped his arms around either side and looked towards the top: now would begin the long process of shimmying to the top of the structure.

"When all this is done," he promised his self as he clenched onto the track with a death grip and inched along it as a worm would move, "I am going to use all these nice, shiny rupees I have to buy myself some serious therapy…."

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Some time later, he had not bothered to keep track of how long, Link finally stepped into the Mirror Chamber, his face ashen. You know how people always give the advice "And whatever you do, don't look down"? Well, he had decided to ignore that very good piece advice about halfway to the top of the stone spiral.

The large black monolith stood rising from the stand before him, positioned directly in front of the resting place for the shattered Mirror of Twilight, and Link wondered if he should take this time to return the two pieces he and Midna had recovered from the mansion of Yeto and Yetta, and the Temple of Time, but the five sages suddenly appeared before him.

"Greetings, chosen one of the goddesses," the Sage of Light said, stepping forward and bowing slightly in respect. "Have you and your shadow companion retrieved the three fragments already?" he inquired, his mask with its perpetual expression tilting in askance.

Link scratched the back of his head and smiled sheepishly at the robed quintet. "Not yet," he admitted. "We still have to find the one that lies in the sky…. The reason I'm here is that I'm wondering if you and your fellow sages would be able to transport me back to the mainland of Hyrule—outside of Castle Town, preferably?"

The sage stared at him in what Link could only assume to be a bewildered manner, and slowly nodded his head. "That is within our powers, hero… However, why do you simply not have your Twili friend do so for you, if we may ask?"

Link was silent at the question; there was no way that he was going to tell the five most wise men in all the realm that he had gotten into hot water with his female sidekick for staring at the goods of a freakishly large fairy. "She's…" he began slowly, "not too happy with me at the moment… and I would greatly appreciate it if I could leave it at that," he spoke cautiously.

The Sage of Light was silent, but he nodded nevertheless. "If you so wish, hero; though, I pray that you mend the rift between the two of you, or all shall surely perish to the shadows," he said, gesturing towards Link to step into the center of the ring that the sages had formed.

Doing so, Link watched as they silently bowed their head in concentration, uttering an ancient tongue upon their breath, then raised their arms to the heaven, and a bright flash of light enveloped his visor.

Hissing slightly at the shock of the light, Link rubbed frantically at his eyes to further speed the return of his sight and dispel the spots dancing before his vision. As the world cleared, Link noticed that the desert that shades of desert that had filled the horizon for the past night had given way to hues of green. Looking about, he found that he was in fact in front of Castle Town.

His spirit soared at his freedom from the arid dessert, but it was tempered by the fact his hitherto constant companion would not speak to him. Reaching down to his wallet, he hefted it, hearing the jangle of countless rupees within, and decided upon his course of action: he would visit Telma—she was a woman, right? Plus she owned a bar, so he was certain she had dealt with similar problems before from boyfriends who had come to drown their sorrows after angering their—

Link stopped and blinked at that train of thought. Boyfriend? How had that thought even entered the analogy in his mind? Midna, by no means, was his girlfriend—hell, at the best of times she was only just friendly in tone with him. Of course, that is not say that he resented her—her sarcastic demeanor and dark sense of humor had grown on him, and he found them to be endearing traits.

Wait—"endearing?" Shaking his head, Link started across the drawbridge and into the town to seek out Telma.

…But first, he would stop by the church.


End file.
